Saturday, February 05, 2011

Quickie: A Quiet Place

I have always been assertive-- or at least I thought so.  I've realized recently that too often I've let a moment pass when I want to have said something, leaving me angry and unsettled.  And though I've never been a pushover, many times I choose "proper" over "power," often compelling me to be more reactive than proactive.  This happens more times than I'd like to admit, especially professionally where there is a "track" I'm  to take as a doctoral candidate. 

For years, it was really important for me to be involved in everything. Oh, and run it. I sat on a gazillion committees, was president of multiple affinity groups, and fancied myself "the voice."  At the very least, I was visible.

But recently, I've dropped everything but the essentials: my new home, my field work, my fellowship, my family.  And goodness, that is enough. I am visible in newer ways, but particularly to myself. 

The funny thing is, no one from all of those committees has inquired about where I've been this year.  I get a few emails, but for the most part, I am seeing that a lot of that pressure was pressure I placed on myself.  The energy I'd focused outward is now alllllllll on me: on how I look, but also how I feel-- without achievements as adornments.  It is so hard. 

This time last year, this week's drama would have sent me into a meltdown. Now I can see it as an action that, while it impacts me, does not reflect who I am (or even the work I do). 

I believe that these things directly impact how much I trust myself,  key to seeing this weight loss journey through.   And living a healthy, centered life.

So if you don't see me out much...feel free to catch me here,  or 'round the corner with the Naughty Dog, or reading at the coffee shop up the street.

Just some things I've been thinkin' 'bout. 


ps- I promise to stop posting butterflies and flowers and shit on this blog, and to cuss in each post at least once.  I mean, that's why you read, isn't it? Stop lying!
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