Monday, January 30, 2012

Three Weeks Post- Op: Sharing my Fill-ings


 I'm tired. But I'm able to do some work along with looooong stretches of rest.  In fact, the first chapter of the big diss is in, with the second following next week. I am in a state of disbelief about both it and the surgery...I can't believe both are almost done.  Or rather, approaching done-ness.

I went for my first fill today.  It was mostly painless and now I have a little bit of projection.  Doc says I can go every week if I want; she'll do 60 ccs each time.  Below is the process: basically over time the doc sticks you with a syringe full of saline. Since my implant will be placed behind my muscle, it has to stretch over a period of some months. I am still so happy with the levels of professionalism and expertise. It's hard to get naked in front of someone over and over.  I always wonder: can they see how happy I am to not have the breasts anymore? To have this risk...almost gone?  It is all I can do not to hug the docs.

I am missing mom and feeling overwhelmed. I look normal from the outside but I'm so tired. I love the work of writing and reading but at the end of the sessions I feel as if I've run three miles.  I feel an incredible sense of urgency about finishing-- it's been 4 and a half years now and I'd like to earn a salary again: save for retirement, put a new roof over our front porch. Right now our "extra" will be going toward a housekeeper since I am basically housebound but have this stupid dust allergy.  I am also forbidden from lifting anything heavier than 5 pounds. This includes my little doggie, my laptop, and the damn vacuum cleaner.  So I can't clean my house, take the laptop to a coffee shop, or work from campus unless I'm willing to crash at one of the labs, which I dislike immensely (too distracting for writing).

If nothing else, I have always prided myself in being physically strong (even while I was fat), but these days...I do not feel strong at all.  I feel tired and dopey and glazed.

The good news is that I've been given the ok to exercise again! More on that later...


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