I didn't talk about it much, but this job I just rolled off of threw me for a loop. Basically, I was miserable. I had people question my integrity; I was treated as a camp counselor rather than a professional. I worked twice the stated hours for not a dime more pay (paid two months late!), and my dissertation research suffered. All this for money.
Last summer, on a tight writing deadline, I didn't work for pay at all. And I was miserable and broke, feeling silly for needing an "allowance" for things like coffee or hair care products. (I do realize that as a married person, feeling silly about using shared funds was my own issue.)
So this year I swung the pendulum too far in the other direction. At one point, I had three gigs going, and oh yeah, my dissertation. And I hated it. During that shaky time from March to April when I waited for the results of my DNA analysis, I found myself wanting to rest and pray...without the time to devote to either. It is the saddest of sads-- the process of working and working when you'd rather be still. When you'd rather grieve. When you'd rather actualize the peace of mind you'd like to have.
Sometimes you have to hit bottom before you change. And sometimes, change is simply what's at the bottom of your purse: you know, a scraping-it-together-while-the-cashier-waits-with-an-bored-look-on-her-face annoyance. A shit-I -can't- believe- I- can't- do- my- run- today phenomenon. You know, something different. (But hopefully, something good.)
My life...is changing.
xoxo,
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