Thursday, July 28, 2011

As Close as Humanly Possible


I have a tentative timeline for my surgery. My new doc is amazing: kind, intuitive, and smart. After a breast exam, we talked some about the type of mastectomy options for me.  Her goal as the surgical oncologist is to reduce my risk of breast cancer by taking as many breast cells (tissue) as possible. If she removes my nipple, my risk of developing breast cancer drops to 1-4%. Then the plastic surgeon builds me new fake boobs and everyone lives happily ever after. Unless that sneaky 1% of cells manage to regenerate.

Hey, it's been known to happen.

I am beyond happy that I waited the three months to see her instead of sticking with her creepy counterpart.  Doctors often seem to forget what a huge decision and sacrifice these surgeries are.  I really wanted someone who understood what I am giving up: breastfeeding. All feeling in my "breasts." 6 weeks of movement during recovery. And don't forget real breasts and nipples, whoa. To treat this as if I'm shopping for a handbag or something is a huge, huge, huge insult. The other doc propped his feet up, for goodness sakes.

Anyhow. I've got to get as close to my goal weight as possible before the surgery. Today's second go at Bridge to 10Kwent okay. I realized that I have the same feeling about this as I did when I first (secretly) started Couch to 5k: scared that this will whip my azz. Scared people will watch my black azz and boobs jiggling down the street and snicker. Yeah, sometimes I'm self- conscious like that.

{dress- jcrew; belt, scarf- anthro}
 You see, this distance 4 times a week would make me an honest-to-goodness runner.  A runner-runner. And that label would mean more work, more training, more effort. As with C25K, I am worried about giving up before I've started.

Y'all know I'm not going to lie to you. I have been smaller before, done this before.  These days I'm trying to make sure I don't have to do it again.  If I start a rigorous training program and don't make it through, I fear the failure will send me tumbling backwards.

That feeling again: can I do this? Am I strong  enough for this?


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