Tuesday, April 05, 2011

Quickie: Cue Usher Raymond

Cause these are my confessions:

-I've been so stressed this month because I was waiting on the results of a test.  I was negative, but it still means big changes ahead.  I am afraid to move forward, but more afraid not to.  Right now I am managing a disease I don't have yet, and part of that management, along with a major surgery, is- you guessed it- weight loss and exercise.

-My eating has been weird. For the last few weeks I have consciously had to cut my calories (because I wanted to eat and eat and eat from stress).  I guess "cut" isn't the right word, cause I ate.every.calorie.  But I literally had to go upstairs with a piece of gum and some Vicks vapo- rub some evenings and call it a night.  Just try to eat with a minty fresh mouth AND a minty fresh nose. Betcha can't.

-I indulged my need to eat mindlessly with low- calorie stuff: sliced bell peppers, seaweed, raw mung beans.  For some reason, a crunchy mouthfeel was very important to me during this time.  


-My exercise has slipped again- I only worked out twice last week! However...all of a sudden my weight loss feels apparent to me: my pants are baggin'- saggin,' rings spinning.  The pants I bought three weeks ago (and ONLY three pounds ago- go figure) are goners. 

I just wanted to come real here...I'm still progressing, but this shit has been HARD.  Holding my breath for a month was HARD.  Going into the field on days when I felt like crying was HARD.  Stopping at 1,500 calories when emotionally, food was such a comfort was HARD.  Not restricting (carbs- when I reduce carbs, I can pretty much stuff myself with calories and not gain) was HARD. Coming here and being 100% honest about dropping down my exercise is HARD. 

I keep talking about how difficult it is to lose slowly.  I really mean that.  I know that by cutting my carbs to 30 I could lose two or three pounds a week.  Sacrificing short term satisfaction  for  what I believe will be long term success is FUCKING HARD.  

Okay, confession over. 

Back at it,
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