I've written before about the dichotomy of living healthily while still being overweight, and have seen recently in the blogosphere other bloggers' sentiments to a similar effect. It can be challenging to proclaim ourselves informed about our bodies before our bodies show evidence of that knowledge.
On the other hand, I wonder if this displacement we feel comes at an additional cost: that is, do we (dieters) see eating as only good or bad? Are we often so adamant about our "way" that we ignore the gray areas that naturally appear when losing weight? For me, near- religious adherence to my eating plan (and all of its tenets) was the only way I felt I could "prove" that I was fit and healthy too.
As I was diffusing my hair on Tuesday (a looooooong process), I poked around my old food journal entries. This particular journal was started when we moved to Philly three years ago, a time when I weighed 20 pounds fewer than I do now. I was curious about what I'd been eating. However, what most struck me was my attitude towards food.
From dieting, I'd learned to hate eating. From cooking, to shopping, to measuring, to weighing-- the whole process was miserable, gauged by the number of ounces I'd lose overnight. My habits, though "healthy," bordered on extreme at best--and disordered at worst:
-throwing away natural, low- glycemic, healthy foods because "they gave me water weight."
-participating in "challenges" whose goal was for me to lose x amount in x amount of time.
-weighing 4x per day: at rising, before and after exercise, and at bedtime.
And the funny thing is...I still wasn't thin.
No wonder I pushed back in such a big way...a way that meant rediscovering food as-- well, as food. A way that allowed me to take the good or bad sticker off of foods, whether those items were Little Debbies or broccoli spears.
I'd been kidding myself assuming that thinner necessarily meant healthier...because emotionally, I was tapped out. I'm sad that I didn't learn the two together, and hope that this go round I am... kinder to myself. More mindful that my overweight is a warning rather than an emergency. I hope that even while maintaining a sense of urgency, I can also treat myself really, really well. Fashion is part of that for me.
Just some things I've been thinking about.
xoxo,
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