I bonked!

For the first time ever since beginning to run with Couch to 5K, I could not physically complete a workout. 

Yes...this just happened to be the days following some pretty broad calorie- slashing to fit within my WW points.    I am not sure how heavy exercisers manage the program?  Maybe the "free" fruit  gets them through? You also get activity points, but even with those...I bonked 10 minutes in.  I just couldn't "go" anymore.

I have also been constantly thinking about food.

Thinking.

xoxo,
13

Midfoot Striking

So.

In the last two weeks I've been "relearning" how to run after battling shin splints again and again.

Let me be real: as usual, I have no idea what I'm doing.  I read something and tried it. It seems different and difficult, and it takes far more effort. (I am also running faster- can't seem to help it? Is this because the stride is more efficient?)  I am finding myself sore again, wiped out after a half- hour run.  But shin splints have so far stayed at bay.

I'm not comfortable pushing much past 30 minutes, but hopefully after adjusting I can keep moving...finally.

In other news, I am trying a new workout schedule.  This week I worked out 6 days, something I've vehemently protested in the past.  But sitting writing all day and other stress has made exercise feel like a privilege, so I'm taking it. Never say never, I guess.  

Always learning.

xoxo,

13

"Now I believe you."

Yesterday I quite literally ran into a friend-- she was biking to her long run and I was finishing up a coupla miles with Naughty Dog. By this time I was dragging his ass, tired as he was from yanking the flexi- leash to chase squirrels. Some background: my friend is a real runner.  I watched her and another friend run a marathon in our second year of coursework.  She literally "runs" errands.

When we met for dinner some time ago, I asked her about my shin splints and if she had any tips for a beginner. And today, do you know what she said? "Now I know you were telling the truth!"

{too- long jeans-levis;jacket-anthro;top-gap}

Now. I know that many of my buds can be awkward, this one especially.  It was 6:45 am, and I am without my typical accouterments (i.e., makeup, real clothes). But when she said that, I was pizzed. Tha fuck?

I have found that people will always find something to feel smug about: their schools, their finances, their athletic ability, their clothes. People even get that superior feeling from recycling or having great hair. There is that "I know something you don't" mentality that for a swift moment bolsters our egos.  Fat cats who swallowed canaries, we are.

 I suppose it is human nature. 

Hmph,

13

Quickie: Back in the Saddle

So I'm back from my running injury and feeling good.  I think.  Of course, post- injury I have to cut back mileage, which pushes me back to a plan I wasn't crazy about. Well, a plan whose lack of rest days I wasn't crazy about. I decided to take two rest days and add strength to cross training days. Iguess. 

{skirt-maiya; top-jcrew}

I feel a little silly. I don't know a thing about running, and there seems to be so much to know: stride, pace, base- building, recovery, cross- training. But I'm out there...reading all I can and hoping I learn something that keeps me from killing my shins.

{shoes-lucky penny via anthropologie}

Anyhoo. The academic year has unofficially started again so I'm back in the saddle there too.

10K, here I come...

xoxo,
13

Weight Loss Wednesday: Stuff I Love, Stuff I hate

Naughty Dog preys on his owners by following them around looking cute and splitting his affections based on how hungry he is (me) or how much he wants to play (lovebug).  I feel so... used. Like a play toy.  

Which got me thinking about my new play toy.

{dress- joie; belt- south moon under}

I am taking a pause from running  this week because of the intense heat-- the humidity here has been a thousand percent all week, and I cannot seem to run very far when my body is threatening to keel over with every step.  But next week will see a cooldown so I'll be out there trucking.  I mean tracking.

See my new friend? 

Early on in this running thing, I was having trouble figuring out just how far my body was taking me.  I mean, "I ran to the end of the block" notwithstanding, I just had no idea how much distance I'd covered. And quite frankly, it didn't matter much, as I was just trying not to die. 

But then I started to like this shit.  And my GPS app  on my iPhone was often WAY off base-- it once told me I ran a 27- minute mile, which basically meant I wasn't running at all, but rather sleepwalking in running shorts.  

I also  tried the web applications for runners such as mapmyrun and googlemaps.  The difference in distance  from the two was about a half mile, far too much variance for a sweet lil ol' beginner like me. 

 So I broke out the Garmin.  For a hundred bones on Amazon, this little guy talks to the sky and tells me  exactly how far I've gone. It can also do a billion other things, but that's all I bought it to do.  I guess I should mention the computer program for runs, the heart rate monitor, and the lap function.  But I haven't used any of those yet.  I just turn that bitch on and look down after I've been running for about 30 minutes in hopes that I'm close to three miles so I can stop this torture.  

Josie and Wifey like theirs too.

Come Fall I'd like to run longer distances-- though I don't see myself being interested in more than a 10k or so.  After that it just seems like things would get too painful.

Course, that's what I said about running in the first place.

xoxo,

13

Weight Loss Wednesday: Down

I'm a little bummed these days: too hot, working too much, and get this- injured.  First it was just troubling shin splints that appeared out of nowhere (I'm not increasing my mileage too quickly, I was fitted for shoes, etc.) that kept me benched all weekend.  And today after four rest days, icing, and shin splint exercises I have this weird pain in my groin that made just walking to campus painful. 

shiny ass shorts- corey lynn calter

 I wonder if I am too out of shape for this? My body seems to be rebelling.  I went into the running store on campus to ask about the pain but they completely ignored me. I guess I don't look like a runner! (Can I call myself a runner yet? Today I ran for 30 minutes!)

In other news, I had a great weekend.  We hosted our neighbors for an impromptu barbecue and the next day were invited to another.  But man, is it hot.  I finally realize the use value of athletic clothing with magical wicking powers.  It was 80 degrees at 5:30 this morning! And it's only June!

all anthro. i'm a sucker.

 Anyhow, I'm bummed.  And with my eating sort of all over the place and limited running I feel as if I am having to choose between fitness and weight loss. 

If I have to stop running...(which I may because this groin pain is not a joke) I'll be really sad.

Anyhoo, I'm killing myself trying to cram in a month's worth of work into the two weeks before I go to Ghana. 

It will get done, no?

Bah, humbug,

13

New Gig

Happy Friday, friends!

Whelp, my fellowship for the year is officially over.  All that's left is a mound of paperwork.  Today I begin my summer gig-- designing website content for our business school.  I'm pretty excited to get going, though it will be a lot of work, especially coupled with data collection.  

These shoes make me weep they're so pretty. {pumps- charlotte ronson}

I'm taking a day to clean the house and work on our garden, which I am terrified of screwing up.  I've planted and re-planted, built a wall, pulled up flowers and debated adding more.  And after all of that, I think the garden still looks sparse and leafy versus lush and colorful.

Time, I suppose.  It needs time. Like most things.

{shirt- zara; denim trousers- j brand}

I recently spoke with a team member from the surgical oncologist's office.  Her kind words made me feel A LOT better about the doctor.  She also made me an appointment to meet with the plastic surgeon, the other puzzle piece in this whole mastectomy charade. I feel a lot more comfortable now.

And finally, after blowing one opportunity and winning two others, my (amazing!) fellowship from this year was renewed-- a huge surprise because the program was cut!   I can ride out the rest of this dissertation without having to work in the real world, where even the kindest bosses often can't empathize with the rigors of the dissertation/data collection. 

{necklace- anthro's "horn and plenty"}

Time.  This time last year I was just recovering from my mother's cancer-- from helping her through  her surgeries and teaching her uni classes.  Once back in Philly, I decided to drop several jobs + affinity groups that were unfulfilling and time- consuming, and  I made the scariest academic decision I'd ever had to make. I made a bid on our house, and, after many months, moved in.

And today, for the first time probably in my life, I ran for almost half an hour without stopping. 

What has time proven that you can accomplish?

 

xoxo,

13

The Breast Man

So. Blogger is back, eh? Thank you for joining us, Blogger.

I did not lose weight this week, largely due to a great influx of fish and cheese grits prepared by the loving hands that nurtured me as a child.  Mother shows love through food and money. I let her.  Luckily I didn't gain, unless you call two pairs of shoes, a flower pin, a lovely scarf,  a cotton dress, and an embroidered clutch a gain.   My little carry on was bursting on the return trip.

Yesterday saw me in the physical therapy room with Granny.  Harvard- grad, debutante Granny, who wore lipstick in her recovery room and requested a "clean" blanket from the nurse.  She had her hip replaced on Monday but looked really good. Then I raced back to the city for my own appointment with the surgical oncologist.  That's right-- the breast man. The one who will be responsible for chopping and scraping.

He was a bit of a jerk, and kept me waiting an hour before coming in to prop his feet up only to repeat everything the RN who'd come in before him had said.  

And he kept staring at my breasts. "You're pretty big," he said. He had no neck and a rat face. He was visibly tired.

"Yep," I replied. "An F cup."

"We're going to have to reduce you. And we won't be able to save your nipples."  Still staring. (Note: I wasn't undressed.  This was a consult- sort of an interview for me to figure out if I like this man enough to trust him to get me through a double mastectomy.) 

Thing is, he has done hundreds of these before, and the other surgical oncologist at the hospital has a wait list until July. And...they work together, so he'd know if I booked with her.  And while he eventually seemed like a smart guy, I can't shake the thought that he was sort of a creep.

I don't know what to do: trust rat- face? Do another consult with his counterpart?  This is all so confusing. 

In other news, it appears that I ran two miles yesterday.  I can't remember the last time I felt so appreciative of my physical endurance...ever. Yes!

xoxo,

13

Ring my Bell(bottoms)

I had a GREAT Easter weekend...just amazing, really: good food, time to do nothing, and a great date with my Naughty Dog and Lovebug. And yesterday I started week 3 of the C25K I'm doing for Alexia's challenge. 

I am finding that I like running a lot. Like, a lot. I don't dream about it anymore (usually when I actually run the dream stops recurring) but I can't get enough.  I believe that the image of my legs moving is a reminder that I am moving forward, purposefully, and that I should concentrate on each individual moment.  That means not looking too far ahead (ohmygodI'mcuttingmybreastsoff) or behind (itwouldhavebeenbetternottoknow)...but enjoying the newness of Spring, the revelation of life unfolding in the buds around me.  Sappy, no?

Well, it's Easter. Sue me.

bell bottoms, top, belt- anthro

Evidently my body likes running too.  After feeling a little frustrated at the state of my tummy  (never a trouble zone) the last week or so, I remembered that I tend to get a little tummy when weight drops off in other places. Some OLD pants confirmed (hint: ones I thought I'd have to toss) I am losing mad inches in de legs!! Now if only the scale would follow suit. 

I am trying something new with these jeans: until now I've stuck to dark washes with no whiskering.  But when this pair went on sale, I thought "why not?" Most of my other pants were too big by then anyway.  They are a light wash, tight through the thigh, with a flared leg.  Not sure how I like them yet, but I'm feeling adventurous, at least. 

jacket-banana republic

 Follow suit, scale! 

Thanks again for ALL of your support and encouragement. My MRI is later today, and I haven't really slept at all.  I am nervous but not nervous, both steely and resigned.  I wanted to get up and run some of this negative energy off (well...walk/run) but since I was awake at the time I usually rise for the morning, I figured I'd sleep in.

But you see how well that's working, haha!

xo,
13

Weight Loss Wednesday: The Scariest Part

I am a goal- setter. A doer. I believe if I want to do something, I can do it.  And most of the time, I do.  My friends call me "ruthless." With a friendly smile thrown in for good measure.  (I believe that is called commitment, friends. The old folks call it gumption.)

But with weight loss, I have historically been my own sloppy little sister: a half- assed promise- breaker who overeats and restricts, then starts the cycle all over again.  

This go round has been soooooo different.  For one, I didn't give myself a pound requirement.  I'm not aiming to reach towards anything but a normal BMI, which seemed like the only rational goal for someone wanting to get off the weight- loss merry-go-round.  And second, unlike my attempts at low carbing, pretty much anything goes.  Before, I had strict rules about everything.  I believe that it was those rules-- that need for control-- that triggered my very out-of-control binge behaviors.  Binge behaviors I'd never had before limiting sugar.  But I don't blame the eating plan. I blame me.

This go round, I am attempting everything differently. I am eating more.  I am eating whatever foods fit my fancy within my carb ceiling, which is about 100 grams per day.  Other than making sure I'm getting 4 cups of veggies in, I have few other parameters. I am exercising 3-4 times a week, but not in the old way- not the manic, I- must- exercise- to- lose way. And guess what? 

I don't feel like I'm dieting.

I just feel like I'm living a healthy life.

So when Alexia shared her 8- week challenge, I was unsure of what my goals would be other than to keep on keeping on. But then I remembered the recurring dream.   Ro and Corine said it means I should get my ass moving, hesitations and all. And Carly was sweet enough to check a dream dictionary to share something that got me thinking:

"To dream that you are running alone, refers to your determination and motivation in the pursuit of your goals. You will find success and rise above those around you."

I don't know about 'rising above' others, but I  certainly don't have to be the sloppy little sister with weight loss. I can run (right?). I can get to my goal weight, and lower if I want (right?).  I can do it without compulsions, without hating food or my body or myself (right?).  And I can do this while feeling beautiful (right?).  I am cautiously optimistic.

So that's what I'm gonna do. I'm gonna commit to running. You know, publicly.  Thanks, everyone, for the push.

Pray for me.  I don't want to quit again.

xoxo,

13