This is Why I Take Pictures

I am figuring that some see this as a fashion blog; others see it as a weight- loss blog; and now, with the advent of all of my BOOB DRAMA, it has become a hereditary breast cancer awareness blog.

Underneath it all,  though, this blog is a very imperfect (and partial) account of how I am learning to live my best life.

I take photos because I have a bit of body dysmorphia-- can't tell from a mirror whether I look fat or thin or somewhere in between.  But a picture-- a picture-- keeps me honest. I can see from pics what clothes look okay and which ones to retire, which colors look blah and which really pop.

That said, it was a picture that convinced me to keep going with the fills, even though they hurt.  I'm posting the picture here...to maybe help someone some day. I'm not wearing makeup and my hair is pulled back the way that I sleep in it, and OMG my arms but here goes...

{leather- trimmed pants- elie tahari;
tank-spanx}

Yeah, I want a lil' more up top than this.

Re: pain--I will make it my business to dope up more and make pain management a priority before and after fills.  Recently with the crushing deadlines of my dissertation, I've tried to take as few meds as possible because they make me slow and sleepy and dumb.  But for those days, I'll take numb and dumb...so that I can get through this.  

By the way...Sunday, like magic, all the pain is gone.  It's so cool how the body can adapt...

xo,

13

Having had my fill- (Conundrum)

I had my second fill yesterday but opted not to take pain meds, as I am on a writing deadline and require my brain.

Short version: I sort of hurt.

It means another round of paid housekeeping and ordering groceries, even though after today my lifting restriction is off (yay!) and as of last week I was told I could exercise again (yay?).

I am now doing quite the opposite of the type of relaxation I was in earlier weeks: instead of treating myself gently, I worry now that I'm getting too "soft." For instance, I got the go-ahead to exercise last week, but didn't feel *quite* up to it. I am trying to figure out if that's excuse- making 13 or the all- encompassing "listening to my body" 13.

Also, I'm losing weight.  If you're a new reader (thank you, btw!) you may not know that I'm a pretty avid exerciser but also a pretty avid (healthy, mindful, mostly) eater.  I'd say for most of this year the two canceled each other out for me.  That's cool and all, except my BMI is still about a dime higher than docs are telling me it should be.

{newfound tummy, once hidden my F-cups. Gym, anyone?}

And I refuse, refuse, refuse to go hungry. Some call hunger during weight loss discipline, but for me it's equaled a brief affair with some genuine disordered eating behaviors. So...I tread lightly.

I'm still quite afraid of revision surgeries, tiring myself out too much to write, or jiggling something out of place. Gah! I want to strap on my running shoes and demand myself to "man up." 

We'll see.

xo